I want to start a series of blogs here. I hope you can enjoy them. Called my addictions. Addictions are real and very much of what control the dynamics and what controls the world image. Addiction is served to us through commercials and government programs, corruption and mafia, delivered wrapped in the religion of consume that is that is including everyone in its calm hands of capitalism.
I have listed them in no particular order. My addictions are or have been.
5. Psycopharma/legal drugs
I will try to fold out as best as i can my addictions and how they have affected me. The shame and the fear, the crimes and the dopamine adrenaline and chemical substances. And try to explain how my addiction affect me today and if i am still an addicted to any of these substances or phenomenas.
1. Porn addiction
I started to watch porno online like realy much in 2005 or 2006. On internett. By then my abuse had streached so far into the debths of whet is porno that i was in reality a monster and my mind was filed to its rims with abusive porn from internet . I would mind myself not to download and just obeserve the porno, through streaming. I was affraid of the consequenses of having a computeer filled with porno and i was in general hiding this i relatiosnhip of abuse withing secrets of my mind. I write this here now because it is clear to me that what is best for all in that someone share these storries. Someone share these insodents and this type of addiction, to the rest of the world and also the growing generation that is coming after us, and which show clear sign allready of bothe porn addiction and sexual confution and pervertions.
My realitionship to porn started before 2005. Back when i was 9 or 10 years old or maybe before that even i would find porn magansines along the high way. I grew up 30 meteres from a european high way of e 39. Some times i would find porno magansies along the high way. I would sometimes share these magansienes perhaps with my cousiens that i grew up close in relation to. These porno magansies i would hide in my room or outside in caves or beneth rocks. The porno magansies where my thrill and my sensations in my world growing up. I recal that i would stare at the nude girls vaginas and women breasts in the magasines and just study the bodies in every way i could.
I was more than one time told straigt by my mother and my father. They caought me with porno magasines in my room stored away in hidden closets and drawers I would later become real upset and depressed from losing my porn pictures and images.
The magansiens i found along the highway was my tresures, and my secretes when i was growing up. I remmebe that i read that in the back of the porno magasines that i found there where addvertisments for porno videos and online phone chats, sex chats. During growing up i was also introduced to porno by a video from my third cousine. I particulary remember that movie. It was a Dansih movie. And i remember its senes mixed of humors and nudity and sex acting out. Later in when i was 14 or 15, in 1993, i was again introduced to watch a porno video. I remember i was super exidet. This was during school hours and we would sneak out and watch the short porno movies at a nearby house. I had not ever seen a porno video, or a video where live flesh and real nude pictures where moving and where the nude bodies, would be in display. This VHS tape that i was to watch was recorded from a tv station. A so calld and well known liberal tv station that had adult films and programs. We where about 4 or 5 boys then that would sneak in to the home of a class mate and we would watch a short 5 or 10 minute long porno movie of nudity and sex exposure.
So these are basically my first 3 happenings where i would be discovering the world of porn.
Here comes some self forgiveness on early days with porno. Thanbk you for reading.
May i suggest for you to start youre prosses with desteni. Self forgiveness is but the most profound tool to reach for self honest and to reach for self respect. There are several prosseses that could be walked. And thy all rock. The lite prosses with desteni is free. I would recommend it alot to annyone. A carpenter, a unemployed, a drugger, a teacher, student, a directior,a doctor, or anyone other earthling that can read and write. It is but real and honst , and there for important to learn self forgivenes ad self correctios and self commitments.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself the moment when i as a child found porno magazines along the high way and i forgive myself or having accepted and allowed myself for the sudden rush of dopamine that would start flowing through me like a drug and like a addiction, and i forgive myself for having created right there and right then a relationship with porno and with adction to porno that i would later crave like a drug and for later todsy realizing that i have creted a addiction with porno from then and that i from those moments of looking through the porno magansies like boom, had started an addiction.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself letting in my childhood years my addiction to porno get all out of hand when i would find more and more porno magasines along the high ways and create this secret mind about owning porno magansies and having porno pictures, in my possesion, and i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to hide from my parents the porno pictures and the imagens of porno that i would evolve a addictive relationship to.
I forgive myself taht i have accepted and allowed myself when i was 11 or maybe 12 years old that i would visit my 3 rd cousine and we would watch a soft core movie toghether, and i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself for my memory of negative charackter of my memory of drinking alcohol and later watching the soft core, porn movie together with my 3rd cosuine, and for my memory of thinking that the movie was to soft core and that i specifically remember that i wanted to see more intimate parts of the porn actresses body, and i remember that i was drinking alcohol and that i had these thought progress within me manifesting as a character of sabotaging and of abuse within my life and in my mind.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself later blaming my third cousine for serving me alcohol and for introducing me to soft core porno and i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself for the blame that i would serve him for his participation with serving me alcohol and the porno movie, when i realize that when i pas this blame in a only serving my selfishnes, and i only wanted to awoid being responsibel with myself and for when i awoid beeing responsible i am in fact sabotaging myself and not serving myself honesty.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself not wanting to take responsebillty for my action and for not wanting to hide from my responsebillety with how i acted when i was in elemetsary school, growing porn addiction, and for not taking the full responesbillety for my actions and my responesbillety for my own life, and for my memoriews that i find hard to determine whether is negative or posetive and i realize that my abillety to balance or know when to take resposnebilletry for is at stake and i further forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself creting a bubble of imaginatios and mind components that i should just let my addiction go on and not care about is of take responsebillety for it, when i rather need and should face my addictions and my memories and my fears so that i can stand as a responsible human being. Relating to this world and to my responsebilleties in a honest manner.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself, not realizing or fully understanding that my addiction to porn and to porno started when i was in elementary school and perhaps before that with kids play and i forgive myself for having accepted and i have allowed myself hiding my shame and fear from the reality that would grow big and ugly on me later in life from having lived a life in abuse and with porno addiction and for having lived a life with what i would call severe addiction, that lived on through me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself my relationship of energies on having a selfish need to decide wether my realtionship to porno online is addictive or if it is in anyway causing me to have a relationship based on dopamine or adrenaline when i am online or presented porno, and i feel this urge to relate to it in a manner of judging myself and i sort of freeze and forget to properly dealt with, if or if not my realtionship is an addiction or not.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself for the times when i se for instance a bikini online or a womman with littel clothes, on her and i use this as adeliberate reson to jerk of. And i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself for the images that apear in my mind and in my head when i jeark of and i realise that i still have an adicticion to porno, when i am jerking of an projecting all sort of images in my mind making it harder for me to realy masturbate and to realy have an intimate allright session with myself and i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself for all the times that i let picture apear on my screen of bikini ladies or of women that are more or less nude, and i lett this trigger a reaction within me, and i use this a as reson to start an intimate session or just plain jerking of.
I forgive myself that i have accepted accepted and allowed myself the times when i am masturbating and when i am having a intimate session, that i would experience some sort of pictures flowing through my mind that i would experience some sort of need or this and that picture and for the images that i lett run through my mind and that i lett, have its way with me and i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the pictures and the images that run through me and that i would try to block out the images from my mind and i would try just to imagen how nice it is to be intimate with myself and my experience of my intimacy and for my experience of blocking out images of my mind and my head.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself the particular episode of when me and my buddies where given a VHS tape to watch that contained some porno and i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself for the exitment that i felt when i was walking over to this school buddy of mine and i was to watch the porno tape and i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself my need or wanting to bee intimate with that epoisode or my need open up any type of memeories of historie from those days of any type og memories from my years going to school.
When and as i see myself coming to a conclution that a am living a life in addiction, or a life with adrenaline addiction to nude bodies or bodies that are sexually acting out. I stopp and i breate. I realize that i am judging myself and causing blame from having lives with porn addiction for many years and that within my life and my world and i realize that i am no longer addicted to the addrenaline rush of porno or nude bodies but i am rather stuck in moments of realizing that i have been addicted to porno online and sex online.
When and as i see myself going back in time and casing blame with my cousines or causing blame with my school mates, or anyone else, i stop and i breathe. I realize that if i go back to memories to serve guilt and to serve blame i am not being honest with myself i am not giving myself the truh or honesty and i commit myself to be honest about my memories and to be honst about my sexuality and my acting out free and for my desire to be intimate with myself and my desire to have intimate sessions with my body and to masturbate.
When and as i see myself remembering pictures or short videos of pornografic content or i feel like jerking of and stimulate myself with masturbation and i know taht pictures of porn might jump up in my mind and apear in my head like images of an emotionaly state or a state of depression or shame. I stop and i breathe. I realzie that prono is addictive and i also realize that i have come to the conclution that porno is wrong. I commit myself to awoid entering porn sites and to awoid looking at porno on the internett. i commit myself to end my relatiosnhip that i have had or experienced with porno.
When and as i see myself remembering or just procastinating parts of my physicval or mind memory that i have from porno. i stop and i breathe. I realize that porno only make me depresed and it makes me feel bad looking back at the happeings and the insodent. i commit myself to stop living in memories and to stop living a life with memorizing how i used to look at porno and blaming myself bacaus of that. I commit myself to end my realtiosnhip to porno ad to stop my particapation with the negativity that porno or memories of porno is.
When and as i see myself looking through my mind memories and my physical memories and i find pices of porno and i find traces of porno content in within myself. i stop and i breathe. i realize that i need to debunk my mind and my physical for porn and for content that is ever porno - ish. I commit myself to debunk and to walk out all what is needed to be walked out in relatiosn to porno. i commit myself to stop particepating with porno and stop stimulating myself with the usage of porno.
When and as i see myself going back in my memories to specific pictures of specific videos that are pornografic i stop and i breathe. i realize that all the memories and all the pictures of pornographic content have to leave my body, and i need to gett all of it out of my body. I commit myself to debunk all my matereale and al my pornographic content that was ever with me or in me.
When and as i see myself going into blame or shame or guilt or any other emotional state or emotional way of reacting and way of thinking i stop and i breathe. I realize that if i burry myself in shame and guilt and sorrow from having viewed porn before, i am not being honest with myself and i am not supporting myself at all. I commit myself to stop living in a emotional state of blame and regrett. I commit myself to be honest with myself and to give myself the support that i need and to be honest with myself with my intimacy and bring myself back to breathe.
When and as i see myself going into blame or anger or any emotional state of feeling bad or sorry for myself i stop and i breathe. I realize that if i lett myself go into a state of emotional distress or emotional distubance or just blame myself with shame and sorrow on a continually basis i am not a well functioning being, and i am not being supporing with myself at all. And i am overdosing on shame and sorrow i am not being honest with myself at all. And i commit myself to be honest with myself and bring myself back to breateh and here as life.
When and as i se myself going into a character or a type entity where i imagen that "hey, som porno would be nice" or in any way suggesting that to watch porno would be nice or allright for me to particepate with - i stop and i breathe. I realize that if i fool myself with wanting or having to watch porno i realize that i am merly fooling myself and deciving myself with the desire to watch nudity and sex online that would only bring me down emotionaly.
Thank you for reading my blogg: i suggest for annyone that can read & write to investigate desteni and the different desteni prosseses. It is what is best for all. - cheers