søndag 15. september 2013

Day - 342 My Addictions 1. Porn

I want to start a series of blogs here. I hope you can enjoy them.  Called my addictions. Addictions  are real and very much of what control   the dynamics and what controls the world image. Addiction is served to us through commercials and government programs, corruption and mafia, delivered wrapped in the religion of consume that is that is including everyone in its calm hands of capitalism.
I have listed  them in no particular order. My addictions are or have been.

1. Porno
2. Alcohol
3. Sigarettes/Nicotin
4. Marjihuana/hasjis
5. Psycopharma/legal drugs

 I will try to fold out as best as i can my addictions and how they  have affected me. The shame and the fear, the crimes and the dopamine adrenaline and chemical substances.  And try to explain how my addiction  affect me today and if i am  still an addicted  to any of these substances or  phenomenas.    

1. Porn addiction

I started to watch porno online like  realy much in 2005 or 2006. On internett.  By then my abuse had streached so far into the debths of whet is porno that i was in reality a monster and my mind was filed  to its rims  with abusive porn  from  internet .  I would  mind myself not to download and just obeserve  the porno,  through streaming. I was affraid  of the consequenses  of having a computeer filled with porno and i was in general hiding this i relatiosnhip of abuse withing secrets of my mind.    I write this here now because it is  clear to me that what is best for all in  that someone share these storries. Someone share these insodents and this type of addiction, to the rest of the  world and also the growing generation that is coming after us, and which show clear sign allready of bothe porn addiction and sexual confution and pervertions.

My realitionship to porn started before 2005. Back when i was 9 or 10 years old or maybe before that even i would find porn magansines along the high way. I grew up 30 meteres from a european high way of e 39.  Some times i would  find porno magansies along the high way. I would  sometimes  share these magansienes perhaps with my cousiens that i grew up close in relation to.  These porno magansies i would  hide in my room or outside  in caves or beneth rocks. The porno magansies where my thrill and my sensations in my world growing up. I recal that i would  stare at the nude girls vaginas and women breasts in the magasines  and just study the bodies in every way i could.

I was more than one time told straigt by my mother and my father. They caought me with porno magasines in my room stored away in hidden closets  and drawers I would later become  real  upset and depressed from  losing my porn pictures and images.

The magansiens i found  along the highway was my tresures, and my secretes when i was growing  up. I remmebe that i read that in the back of  the porno magasines that i found there  where addvertisments  for porno videos and online phone chats, sex chats.  During growing up i was also introduced to porno by a video from my third cousine. I particulary remember that movie. It was  a Dansih movie. And i remember its senes mixed of humors and  nudity and sex acting out.  Later in when i was 14 or 15, in 1993, i was again  introduced to watch a porno video. I remember i was super exidet. This was during school hours and we would sneak out and watch the short porno movies at a nearby house.  I had not ever seen a porno video, or a video where live flesh and real nude pictures where moving and where  the nude bodies, would be in display. This VHS tape that i was to  watch was recorded from a tv station. A so calld and well known liberal tv station that had   adult  films  and programs. We where about 4 or 5 boys then  that  would sneak  in to the home of a class mate and we would watch a short  5 or 10 minute long porno movie of nudity and sex exposure.  

So these are basically my first 3 happenings  where i would  be discovering the world of porn.  

Here comes some  self forgiveness  on early days with porno.  Thanbk you for reading.

May i suggest for you to start youre prosses with desteni. Self forgiveness is but the most profound tool to reach for self honest and to reach for self respect. There are several prosseses that could be walked. And thy all rock.  The  lite prosses with desteni is free. I would recommend  it  alot to annyone. A carpenter, a unemployed, a drugger,  a teacher, student, a directior,a  doctor, or anyone  other earthling that can read and write.  It is but real and honst , and there for important to learn self forgivenes ad self correctios and self commitments.

I forgive myself that i have  accepted and allowed myself the moment when i as a child found porno magazines  along the high way and i forgive myself  or having accepted and  allowed myself  for  the sudden rush of dopamine that would start flowing through me like a drug and like a addiction, and i forgive myself for having created  right there and right then a relationship with porno and with adction to porno  that i would later crave  like a drug and for later todsy realizing that i have creted a addiction with porno from then and that i from those moments of looking through the porno magansies like boom, had started an addiction.

I forgive myself that i have  accepted and allowed  myself letting in my childhood years my addiction to porno get all out of hand when i would find more and more porno magasines  along the high ways and create this secret mind about owning  porno  magansies and having porno pictures, in my possesion, and i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to hide  from my parents the porno pictures and the imagens of porno that i would evolve a addictive relationship to.

I forgive myself taht i have  accepted and allowed myself when i was 11 or maybe 12 years old that  i would visit my 3 rd cousine and we would  watch  a soft core movie toghether, and i forgive myself that i have  accepted and allowed myself for my memory of negative charackter of my memory of drinking  alcohol and later watching the soft core, porn movie together  with my 3rd cosuine,  and for my memory of thinking that the movie was to soft core and that i specifically remember that i wanted to see more intimate parts of the porn actresses  body, and i  remember that i was drinking alcohol and that i had  these thought progress within  me manifesting as a character  of sabotaging and of abuse within my life and in my mind.

I forgive myself that i have  accepted and allowed myself later blaming my third cousine for serving me alcohol and for introducing me to soft core porno and i forgive myself that i have  accepted and allowed myself for the blame that i would  serve him for his participation with serving me alcohol and the  porno movie, when i realize that when i pas this blame in a only serving my selfishnes, and i only wanted  to awoid being responsibel with myself  and for when i awoid beeing responsible i am in fact sabotaging myself and not serving myself honesty.

I forgive myself  for having accepted and allowed myself  not wanting to take responsebillty for my action and for not wanting to hide from my responsebillety with how i acted when i was in elemetsary school, growing porn addiction,  and for not taking the full responesbillety for my actions and my responesbillety for my own life, and for my memoriews that i find hard to determine whether is negative or posetive and i realize that my abillety to balance  or know when  to take resposnebilletry for is at stake and i further forgive myself that i have  accepted and allowed myself   creting a bubble of imaginatios and mind components  that i should just let my addiction go on and not care about is of take responsebillety for it, when i rather need and should  face my addictions and my memories and my fears so that i can stand as  a responsible human being. Relating to this world and to my responsebilleties in a honest manner.

I forgive myself that i have  accepted and allowed myself,  not realizing or fully understanding  that my addiction to porn and to porno started when i was in elementary school and perhaps before that with  kids play and i forgive myself for having  accepted and i have allowed myself  hiding my shame and fear from the reality that would  grow big and ugly on me later in life from having lived a life in abuse and with porno addiction and for having lived a life with what i would call severe addiction, that lived on through  me.
I forgive myself  that i have  accepted and allowed myself my relationship of energies on having   a selfish need to decide wether  my realtionship to porno  online is addictive or if it is in anyway causing me to have a relationship based on dopamine or adrenaline when i am online or presented porno, and i feel this urge to relate to it in a manner  of judging myself and i sort of freeze and forget to properly dealt with, if or if not my realtionship is an addiction or not.

I forgive myself that i have  accepted and allowed myself for the times when i se for instance a bikini online or a womman with littel clothes, on her and i use this as adeliberate reson to jerk of.  And i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed  myself for the images that apear  in my mind  and in my head when i jeark of and i realise that i still have  an adicticion to porno, when i am jerking of an projecting all sort of images in my mind  making  it harder for me to realy masturbate and to realy have an intimate allright session with myself and i forgive myself that i have  accepted and allowed myself for all the times  that i let picture apear on my screen of bikini  ladies or of women that are more or less nude, and i lett this trigger a reaction within me, and i use this a as reson to start an intimate session or just plain jerking of.

I forgive myself that i have accepted  accepted and allowed myself  the times when i am masturbating and when i am having a intimate session, that i would experience some sort of pictures flowing through  my mind  that i would experience some sort of need or this and that picture and for the images  that i lett run through my mind and that i lett, have its  way with me and i forgive myself  that i have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the pictures and the images that run  through me and  that i would try to block out the images from my mind and i would try just  to imagen how nice it is to  be intimate with myself and my experience of my intimacy and for my experience of blocking out images of my mind and my head.

I forgive myself  that i have  accepted and allowed myself  the particular episode of when me and my buddies where given a VHS tape to watch that contained some porno and i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself for the exitment that i felt when i was walking over to this  school buddy of mine and i was to watch the porno tape and i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself my need or wanting to bee intimate with that epoisode or my need open up any type of memeories of historie from those days of any type og memories from my years going to school.

When and as i see myself coming to a conclution that a am living a life in addiction, or a life with adrenaline addiction to nude bodies or bodies  that are sexually acting out. I stopp and i breate.  I  realize that i am judging myself and causing blame from having  lives with porn addiction for many years and that within  my life and my world and i realize that i am no longer addicted to the addrenaline rush of porno or nude bodies but i am rather stuck in  moments of realizing that i have been addicted to porno online  and sex online.

When and as i see myself going back in time and  casing blame with  my cousines or causing blame with my school mates, or anyone else, i stop and i breathe. I realize that if i go back to memories to serve guilt and to serve blame  i am not being honest with myself i am not giving myself the truh or honesty and i commit myself to be honest about my memories and to be honst about my sexuality and my acting out free  and for my desire to be intimate with myself and my desire to have intimate sessions with my body and to masturbate.

When and as i see  myself remembering pictures or short videos of pornografic content or i feel like jerking of and stimulate myself with masturbation and i know taht pictures of porn might jump up in my mind and apear in my head like images of an emotionaly state or a state of depression or shame. I stop and i breathe. I realzie that prono  is addictive and i also realize  that i have come to the conclution that porno is wrong. I commit myself to awoid entering porn sites and to awoid looking at porno on the internett. i commit myself to end my relatiosnhip that i have had or experienced  with porno.

When and as i see myself remembering or just procastinating parts of my physicval or mind memory that i have from porno.  i stop and i breathe. I realize that porno only make  me depresed and it makes me feel bad looking back at the happeings and the insodent. i commit myself to stop living in memories  and to stop living a life with memorizing  how i used to look at porno and blaming myself bacaus of that. I commit myself to end my realtiosnhip to porno ad to stop my particapation with the  negativity that porno or  memories of porno  is.

When and as i see myself looking through my mind memories and my physical memories and i find  pices of porno  and i find traces of porno content in within  myself. i stop and i breathe. i realize that i need to debunk my mind and my physical for porn and for content  that is ever porno - ish. I commit myself to debunk and to walk  out all what is needed to be walked out in relatiosn to porno. i commit myself to stop particepating with porno and  stop stimulating myself with the usage of porno.

When and as i see myself going back in my memories to specific pictures of specific  videos that are pornografic i stop and i breathe. i realize that all the memories and all the pictures of pornographic content have to leave my body, and i need to gett all of it out of my body. I commit myself to debunk all my matereale  and al my pornographic content that was ever with me or in  me.

When and as i see myself going into blame or shame or guilt or any other emotional state or emotional way of reacting and way of thinking i stop and i breathe. I realize that if i burry myself in shame and guilt and sorrow from having viewed porn before, i am not being honest with myself and i am not supporting myself at all. I commit myself to stop living in a emotional state of blame  and regrett. I commit myself to be honest with myself and to give myself the support that i need and to be honest with myself with my intimacy and bring myself  back to breathe.

When and as i see myself going into blame or anger or any emotional state of feeling bad or sorry for myself i stop and i breathe. I realize that if i lett myself go into a state of emotional distress or emotional distubance or just blame myself with shame and sorrow on a continually basis i am  not a well functioning being, and i am not being supporing with myself at all. And i am overdosing on shame and  sorrow i am not being honest with myself at all. And i commit myself to be honest with myself and bring myself back  to breateh and here as life.

When and as i se myself going into a character or a type entity where  i imagen  that "hey, som porno would be nice" or in any way suggesting that to watch  porno would be nice or allright for me  to particepate with - i stop and i breathe. I realize that if i fool myself with wanting  or having to watch porno i realize that  i am merly fooling myself and deciving myself with the desire to watch nudity and sex online that would  only bring me down emotionaly. 

Thank you for reading my blogg: i suggest for annyone  that can read & write to investigate desteni and the different desteni prosseses. It is what is best for all. - cheers

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